fml.

today i am over it. all of it.

i am over stupid ppl at my job who dont know how to do their job after 11 years of working here. how is that possible?! i mean really, i do the same thing every. single. day. it is NOT rocket science i assure you. really, the most difficult thing i do during my work day at the front desk of a fabulous hotel is not laugh at the ridiculous questions, or yell at the assholes. somedays its harder to bite my tongue. like today. ugh. im in a terrible mood and its barely 9am. wtf.

i am also over the current state of my house. disaster zone doenst even begin to explain the magnitude of destruction my house looks like it has endured. i blame myself. i am responsible for the laundry - not because i want to be, bc honestly i hate it, but because i hate doing dishes more. so that is the compromise - i do the laundry and matt does the dishes. it was a "lesser of two evils" compromise - i won. but i won nine million loads of laundry as my prize (which ill take over icky dishes any day..but still..) if you know me, you likely know my giant size fiance who stands over a foot taller than me at 6'4". his clothes are much larger than mine, and one pair of his pants is about the same as 3 pairs of mine. are the piles of laundry materializing in your mind? they are forever burned in mine and i frequently have nightmares about them swallowing me whole. another hitch in this wagon ride is that i am a compulsize clothing shopper. its a problem really. i have more clothes than 5 people need. so that adds more to the growing pile. on top of all of this - with all these odds stacked against me - i'm lazy. not in the sense that i lay about every second of every day bc i dont - but lazy in the fact that i hate sacrificing one of my two days off to monitor the laundry, fold, hang, rinse, repeat. i cherish my days off and hate it when i have to spend one cleaning, so i often put it off until its so overwhelming that i lose my mind. i'm currently in the "lose my mind" stage of this vicious cycle and i'm trying to form a plot where matt allows us to move to a nudist colony and i dont have to wash clothes. that or we win the lotto and my clothes -like my income- become disposable. :) someone pray for me - i may have lost it.

what else? buckle your seatbelt, we have only just begun.

i am over being a short person who has to constantly fight about their weight. i fight with myself mostly, so maybe i should work on channeling that to a more healthy place. my struggle? likely the same struggle all short 20-somethings face. i work my ass off - literally. i ride my bike to work most days, i go to the gym five to seven days a week, i eat salad and veggies and pay attention to every morsel i consume  -and what happens? nothing! abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING. someone just slap me. it kills me. and anyone who has been a part of this knows how totally discouraging this is. the balance is very delicate and if you dont get it juuuust right, youre frustrated and ready to quit. which i do, often. i cant tell if i'm working out to hard and not eating enough, or not working hard enough and eating too much, or what?! and then after weeks of this nonsense, of making myself continue, trying endlessly to convince myself eventually something will change, i give up. and feel worse than before. why does this happen? i mean i give it a solid serious 10000% percent effort. but its always the same. totally frustrating right?! well, it is. if youre one of those naturally skinny, eat french fries and chicken fingers jerks who never gains an ounce and has a stupid 6 pack (ahem, my sister) - screw you! not really, im just jealous and hate this struggle.

and then theres my writing...

honestly, im not meaning to complain. i just need to get all this icky out of my mind so i can move forward.

writing is hard. making yourself do it every. single. day. nearly impossible. i have to be in the mood to write. i have to reallllly be in the mood if i'm writing about hard times in the past. my entire thesis is based on the past - primarily things i'd rather not think about daily. old relationships, fights, drama. its in the past for a reason. i dislike thinking about, let alone write about it. i'm also struggling to turn myself into a character. a round and well managed character that people fell for and want to root for. its hard. i dont think of myself that way and it is hard to pull my "writer self" out of the story and focus on what me as a character was thinking in that moment i'm describing. i know so much more now than i did then and its difficult to exclude my feelings now about the situation i'm writing about. does that make sense? i have to be, think, act, feel like i did in whatever scene im explaining. and it is hard. really hard. i know this is an important part of the "process", but its causing me to lose sleep and i feel very strongly about my sleep. dont eff with it.

ok, enough of the rambling..
i'm going to start a new post about a new possible hobby :)
kthanksbye<3